Thursday, September 10, 2015

Mennonite Molestation Madness Blonde Intro Retrospective

You know, with the sunk costs and everything, I'm going to finish this block.  Definitely going to finish this block.  But holy shit, I don't think I'm going to be doing dialogue pamphlets like this again.  This is actually a lot of work.  Now, maybe it'll get easier, as I get more used to doing it, but right now, this is actually the most difficult writing that I've done, so far.  We're talking about a lot more actual effort than I usually put into these.  And maybe it's worth it, maybe you guys really love this stuff, but from my end, I'm not really seeing the costs/benefits of having dialogue driven content working out.  It's a lot of work, for (I think) not an equivalent improvement in sexiness.  Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's a zillion times sexier.  If y'all would comment on shit, maybe I'd have a better idea of what is and is not sexy to you.

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First, a word on the hearts.  Hearts are really difficult to index properly, so it was actually really difficult to put them in here.  I imagine that by the end of this, I'll be a master of pixel fixing those hearts.
I already discussed why I picked the pictures, so I'll skip that bit.  I do like that you can see their panties here, though.  I feel like it kind of helps to put the reader in Blonde's shoes, a bit.
The text for this was very much a hybrid design, between longform, which I need for storytelling, and shortform, which I need for characterization.  I feel like I combined the two reasonably well, and got a sort of "they're talking to you, but also to each other" vibe.  Unfortunately, my characters are "the" female Lilian characters for me.  There's the dominant girl, and the easy going, sex crazed girl.  Pretty much all of my female characters, at least when there are 2 characters, playing off of one another, have been this.  It's a bit of a weakness in my writing, but you resolve these things by writing more, so I imagine that the problem will solve itself.  At least I know about it.
So we learn quite a bit about Honey and Platinum (god I love those names) here.  Honey is more focused on her career, while Platinum is more focused on fun.  Conversely, Honey is more interested in fun boys, while Platinum is more interested in boys who "need" Lilith.  Honey wants subservience, while Platinum wants everyone to feel the love with her.  So at least the characters aren't supposed to be one-dimensional.  I give Blonde a name (Marcus) and explain that he is a "Reform Mennonite", which means that his parents practice Polygamy.  By the way, Reform Mennonites do not practice Polygamy.  Usually, I try to be realistic with these things, but I just decided to say fuck it on this one.  Hopefully you guys don't mind too much.

The second page picture was edited a bit, Honey originally doesn't have her tongue out, but I decided that it kind of softened her a bit, and she's supposed to be having fun, by the time they start flashing Blonde, so yeah.  I decided to keep Platinum's expression, because it looks a bit more caring and nice, and I kind of want her to be the "nice girl" character, right now.
Again, in the text, Honey is portrayed as being far, far, more responsible.  She actually cares about the number of women that the Temple is attracting, presumably because there isn't much of an Acolyte Program yet, so the women could end up fighting over boys.  Platinum, true to form, doesn't care about ratios, she just wants to flash a little Mennonite boy.  Also, "from tit to clit".  Just wanted to draw attention to that.
We learn more about our girls on this page.  It might seem like I'm focusing a lot on Platinum right now, but that's because Marcus/Blonde is kind of her boy.  When we get to the beach with Black, I'll be focusing more on Honey.  So we learn that Platunum used to teach English Lit, before being "promoted" to sex-ed, because she couldn't resist flashing the boys in class, and they weren't learning anything.  Because she was basically already teaching sex-ed, they just gave her that job.  Those who cannot do, teach.  Those who cannot teach, teach gym, or sex-ed, if you're a Lilian.  I imagine being a (permanent) sex-ed teacher would probably be a bit of a career ender in the Temple, because it basically means that you have no other real talents, aside from fucking.  Of course, Platinum's real talent is her heart.  Like Ma-Ti, and it's just as useful to the Lilians, as talking to monkeys was, to the Planeteers.  That is to say, super useful, but only the goddess involved actually grasps how important it is.  Nuance!
So anyway, we move the plot forward here, for the most part.  Marcus hasn't yet made his appearance, but we're sort of seeing the world through his eyes, which is something similar, kind of.  We also learn that Honey relaxes a bit, when she gets the submission that she wants.  That'll come up later.

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Overall, I'd say that I like this intro, I feel like it's pretty decent, gets a lot of characterization out, and moves the story along at a somewhat brisk pace.  The back and forth between the girls is okay, but I'm saying that, and I can't really judge my own dialogue in that way.  I'm sure all those shitty caption writers (you know the ones) thought that their dialogue was totally sexy and realistic, too.

So please, please, if the dialogue is shit, tell me.  I can't fix it, if I don't know there's anything wrong.  Again, anonymous comments are enabled, and I do check both chans where I post this stuff. 

Next up is Mommy Bubble 80's, and I think I'll be doing the dinnertime block.  It should be nice and simple, I might even have it out on time.  After that, will be a week where the focus is on Mennonite Madness, so we'll be covering the city bus flashing and handjob on monday, Mommy Bubble before-school sex on wednesday, and then union hall rimjob and footjob for friday. 

1 comment:

  1. I think the dialog between two women is super hot. I hope you feel it is worth the effort.

    ReplyDelete